Welcome Parents!

The college years can present some challenges for students and their parents. Understanding the transition to college will make it easier.
For students, college hopefully will be a period of intellectual stimulation and growth, career exploration and development, self-exploration and discovery, and social involvement. During this period, your son/daughter may forge new identities or seek to clarify values and beliefs. It may also be a time for exploration and experimentation and a period in which he/she may question or challenge the values parents hold. These changes can occur quickly, as new relationships develop. It is important to recognize that every young adult will experience his/her own unique challenges and adjustments, just as every parent will have different expectations for and reaction to their young adult’s college experience.

Often overlooked is the fact that the college experience is a significant transition for the parents of college students, too. You may experience feelings of happiness, excitement, and pride. At the same time, you may feel a sense of sadness and pain and have fears and concerns. You may feel distanced as your son/daughter begins to function more independently and forms deep attachments with peers. You may also wonder how his/her performance in college will reflect on you as the parent.

Here are some ways you can support your son/daughter:

Although your young adult wants and needs to become more autonomous during this period, it is important for him/her to know you are still available. Maintaining a supportive relationship can be critical, particularly during this first year of college. If you were not particularly close previously, it is still important for you to show your support. You may be surprised to find that some space and distance can help improve your relationship.

• It is important to maintain regular contact but also to allow space for your son/daughter to approach you and set the agenda for some of your conversations. Let him/her know that you respect and support his/her right to make independent decisions and that you will serve as an advocate or advisor when asked. Finally, recognize that is normal for him/her to seek your help one day and reject it the next. Such behavior can be confusing and exhausting for parents, so make sure to take care of yourself by talking about your feelings with your own support system.

• Be realistic and specific with your son/daughter about financial issues, including what you will and will not pay for, as well as your expectations for spending money.

• It is also important to be realistic about your son’/daughter’s academic performance, recognizing that not every straight-A student in high school will be a straight-A student in college. Help set reasonable academic goals, and encourage academic assistance when needed.

• The fact that your son/daughter has left home does not necessarily prevent family problems from arising or continuing. Refrain from burdening your son/daughter with these problems which may cause him/her excessive worry and guilt.

Here are some ways to help yourself:

• Recognize that it is normal to have mixed feelings when your son/daughter leaves home; feelings of pain and loss often accompany separation from loved ones. It is also normal to feel a sense of relief and to look forward to some time alone, with your significant other, or with younger children.

• Do your best to develop and maintain your own social support.

• Do your best to maintain your own sense of well-being. This may involve eating and sleeping well, exercising, and setting new and creative goals for yourself. Perhaps this is a good time to do some things you put off while your son/daughter was young. Picking up a project or hobby can be an excellent way to channel your energy and feelings.

Note: Much of this material was adapted from the Hobart and William Smith Colleges Counseling Center Web site.

http://parentsclub.wvu.edu/